Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
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Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it