do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Every time my phone rings
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no