Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.