[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!