@caithuls MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
@T_Bonezzz_ [ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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@caithuls 
@djdarrellripley I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
@ADDiane [At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
@ShesARealGenius Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
@JustForHT Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
@Fred_Delicious What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
@causticbob Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
@KarlreMarks Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
@GrabTheWEness If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?