Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child