PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
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[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
you have three unread messages
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.