THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
there’s probably a fee though
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
jesus, what did this guy do