DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
That’s enough internet for the day
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3