Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?