I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…