[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..