parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”