Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
You Might Also Like
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
This will teach them to underestimate me
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Body by Oreos
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it