The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
You Might Also Like
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself