Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.![]()
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do