I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
You can’t rush stupid.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off