Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5