Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.