You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
relationship goals
bout dat hot dog summer