New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
socratic questions
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
The French word for sex is croissant.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes