My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.