Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email