[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If you breakdance you buy dance.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.