Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
she has a point
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Simple enough.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.