People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel