If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.