If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I am patiently waiting for your email
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.