My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
happy mother’s day❤️
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Best spot.. 😅
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.