Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Tier 3 meme
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.