[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Autocorrect completely socks
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.