People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
#damn
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.