Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.