My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
shampoo implies shampee
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?