shampoo implies shampee
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Jogging
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever