[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT