GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.