Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.