I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Uh oh…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Ion see the issue
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.