FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
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My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.