@Jake_Vig

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

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@FloodyHippie

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@toomanycommas3

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

@bornmiserable

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@ilovepie84

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

@ThRealBallsDeep

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all