You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.


Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af


The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.


I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*


If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.


ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS


There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.


Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.


Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all