You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER