10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down