whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob