How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Only short people can save us
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!