Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one