when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets