The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
You Might Also Like
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
moms in horror movies
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
🌱🌱🌱
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.