*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.