I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’ve been drinking.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?