PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
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*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.