Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.